


(the light from your eyes made it feel like) we were dancing in the moonlight

by ohmygodfoxtrot



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, So here we are, but i wanted to explore two women leaving their husbands for each other, i was too lazy to write a get together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-04 22:05:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12780534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmygodfoxtrot/pseuds/ohmygodfoxtrot
Summary: It’s never awkward afterward.Jennifer wishes it were awkward, though. If it were awkward, she’d feel better about doing it. If it were awkward, that would mean that there was something wrong with it, but there’s no awkwardness, which makes it feel right, and Jennifer knows, logically, that it’s not right.But laying back in the hotel bed and watching as Kate gets dressed cannot be described as anything other than right.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> fandom consistency? i don't know her.

    It’s never awkward afterwards.

 

    Jennifer wishes it were awkward, though. If it were awkward, she’d feel better about doing it. If it were awkward, that would mean that there was something wrong with it, but there’s no awkwardness, which makes it feel right, and Jennifer knows, logically, that it’s not right. 

 

    But laying back in the hotel bed and watching as Kate gets dressed cannot be described as anything other than right.

 

    “Up and at ‘em, sweetheart. The day isn’t gonna wait around on behalf of your lazy ass.”

    Jennifer sighs, pulling herself up. She pushes around the covers, trying to figure out where her shirt is. Kate tosses it at her. 

    “C’mon. It’s 7:22. You’re running late.

    Kate helps Jennifer find the rest of her clothes silently. They both know the drill by now. Spencer swings by Jennifer’s room with a cup of coffee at 7:27 on the dot, to make sure she’s awake. If it’s 7:22, it means he’s already on his way, and Jennifer needs to get back in her room, make it look convincingly slept in, pull her appearance from sex messy to just woke up messy, and have it all done in time for him to knock. 

    She’s done it enough to know that five minutes will be enough time. 

    Kate hands her her second sock, and she grabs her kitten heels from next to the bed, before ducking towards the door. She’s stopped by Kate sticking her arm out. 

    “You’ve got time for a goodbye kiss.”

    Jennifer smiles, leaning into Kate. It’s soft, and gentle, and it makes her wish she could have this with Kate all the time, with no sneaking around, and only being together on work trips, but for now, it’s enough.

    She knows that someday the equilibrium will be broken. Experience has taught her that compartmentalizing only works for so long, and they can’t balance each other on trips and husbands at home forever. Someday, they’re going to have to tip the scales in one direction or the other, and Jennifer has no dea which way they will fall.

    She’s more than happy to take what she can get now, though.

    She pulls away from Kate, who looks a little heart broken.

    “I’ll see you in fifteen minutes at breakfast.”

    “I love you.”

    Jennifer smiles. “I love you, too.”

    And with that she’s out the door and down the hall. Her room is seven doors down, and she pulls her key card out of her pocket, tapping it against the scanner and slipping into her room.

    She has it down to a dance at this point. The blankets on the bed get tossed back, and she sticks the bible on top of the pillow. The suitcase she had simply dropped in the room before heading over to Kate’s gets rifled through, before being left on the floor. She grabs her make up bag and ducks into the bathroom, using her dry shampoo to clean her hair up. 

    There’s a knock on the door.

    She grabs the bible off the bed, stick it back in the drawer, and opens the door for Spencer, who hands her her coffee, two sugars, no cream.

    He knows so much about her, and at the same time, so little. 

    “How’d you sleep?”

    “Pretty well. Little bit of tossing and turning in the middle of the night, but other than that it was okay.”

    She’s not gonna tell him it was Kate’s tossing and turning that was the problem. She’s not gonna tell him anything.

    She’s gonna live in a bubble with Kate, and they’re gonna be happy together at nights, and love each other in the mornings, and then they’re gonna stay colleagues all day, and the cycle will repeat for as long as they can make it. 

    But right now, they’ve got a case to solve.


	2. Chapter 2

    She loves coming home at night.

 

    When she comes home at night, it gives her time to switch herself into Will mode, so she can be a woman who loves her husband and cherishes every moment with him. 

 

    It’s not like she hates Will. He’s a good dad, and he works hard, and he’s like a best friend to her. But that’s all she ever feels for him. Friendship. 

 

    He’s just not Kate.

 

    She understands that this is a problem that is of her own creation. She understands that forcing herself to date a man wasn't a good idea, and she understands that staying with him when she got pregnant wasn’t a good idea, and she understands that marrying him wasn’t a good idea. But something in her was hoping, hoping that if she was with him long enough, she’d come to love him, to cherish him in the way he cherishes her, but she hasn’t, and it’s killing her.

 

    It had all been so easy with Kate, effortless in a way it never had been with Will. They’d hit it off, and when hotel constraints had forced them to share a room, it had fallen into something more. They never talked about it, always maintaining professionalism, and it flows and Jennifer loves it.

 

    It’s clear to both of them that it’s emotional as well as physical. There’s a reason they exchange “I love you”’s every morning. But they don’t go on dates, or discuss their feelings, or do any of that stuff. 

 

    Next time she has the opportunity, she’ll make some sort of emotional conversation. Maybe ask Kate when she knew she was into women. That’ll be a good jumping off point.

 

    “Hey.”

 

    Jennifer jerks around, but it’s just Will, and she relaxes. “Hey. How’s Henry been?”

 

    “He’s been good. Been askin’ for his momma, though. This’s a long one, huh?

 

    Jennifer sighs. “Yeah, some guy was taking out tongues and then stitching them in his next victim’s mouth. Took a while to track him down. Got him in the end, though.”

 

    “Why was he doin’ it?”

 

    She looks down at her tea. “Something about how other people lie and take on other’s stories. He wouldn’t shut up about it in the car. Mostly incoherent about it, though.”

 

    Will nods. “Alright. Well, come to bed when you’re ready. Love you.” He kisses her forehead, and she leans into it like she know’s she’s supposed to. He heads back towards the bedroom, leaving Jennifer with her tea and her thoughts. 

 

    She wants to be happy. And she’s happy with Will, but she’s not as happy as she could be. But he’s happy, and Henry’s happy, and Kate seems pretty happy, so Jennifer is going to hold the card deck for now, and one day, she’ll let them fall as they may. 


	3. Chapter 3

    “When did you know you were, you know… into girls?”

    Kate looks over. “Why, are you terrified that you’re having a midlife gay-cris?”

    “No, just… wanted to know.”

    Kate shrugs. “I don’t know, high school? Had a crush on a girl in my clique, had sex with her once or twice, sorta took it from there.”

    “Does… Chris know?”

    Kate glances down at her feet. “No. I mean, it’s not like I’m hiding it or anything from him. I’m into dudes, I’m just also into women, and there’s a point in a relationship where it’s almost too late to bring it up, you know? How do I casually slip it into a conversation that I’m bi?”

    “That’s what you are? Bisexual?”

    Kate looks at Jennifer, and smiles softly. “Yeah. What about you?

    It’s Jennifer’s turn to look down. “I’m pretty sure I’m just gay.” She glances over at Kate, who’s looking at her sympathetically.

    “And… Will?”

    Jennifer shakes her head. “I thought it would… just happen, you know? Like one day, if I was with him for long enough, I’d look at him, and it’d click inside of me. But he always just feels like a friend.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Don’t be. It’s my fault. I should have left before I got pregnant, or after I got pregnant, or before we got married, or literally at any point when I couldn’t picture really loving him.”

    “You still don’t deserve that, though. You deserve something that’ll make you happy.”

    “I’ve got you, and that’s enough.”

    Kate looks at her for a moment, mouth slightly open, as if she’s trying to figure out what to say. She takes the no-words route, kissing JJ, softly and sweetly, as if she’s trying to convey everything she can’t figure out the words to say.

    She pulls away. “I love you.”

     “I love you, too.”

     “No, I really want you to understand that I mean that. I mean it when I say that I love you. I care about you, and I want you, more than just what we have now, I want dates and late nights together with the kids. I want anything you’ll give me, Jennifer.”

    Jennifer smiles carefully. “You really mean that?”

    “I do. C’mon. Get dressed. We’re going on a date.”

    Jennifer stares at Kate. “What? It’s almost eleven. Nowhere’s open.”

    “Denny’s is.”

    “Denny’s isn’t a proper first date.”

    “Do you want a proper first date? I can give you one. We can wait, and then we can go out for a ‘girls night’ and we can DTR in an Olive Garden. Or, we can do it in a Denny’s halfway across the country, where no one knows us.”

    “Is that what you want to do? Put into words… what we are?”

    “To recap: I want whatever you want. Do you want to define what we are?”

    “Yes.”

    “Do you want to make plans for the future?”

    “Yes.”

    “Do you want to do all this in a Denny’s?”

    “Sure.”

    “Then let’s go.”


	4. Chapter 4

    “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

    “Don’t ask me that question when I don’t know where I see myself in a month.”

    Kate had found the nearest Denny’s, and they’ve both ordered, eating their breakfast food at a little before midnight. They’ve been silent up until now, when Kate had broken it.

    “Fair enough. Where do you see yourself in a week?”

    “Depends.”

    “On what?”

    “On where you see yourself in a week.”

    Kate smiles at that. “Good. Cause I don’t want my life to be anywhere without you.”

    “Sometimes I forget that I’m married when I’m with you.”

    “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

    “I don’t know. It’s good in the moment, but it’s always weird when I look down and see my wedding band on my finger and think  _ oh, right, I’ve promised my life to a man.” _

    “Do you want to leave him?”

    “God, yes.” Jennifer pauses. “It feels so good to say that. I just… I want you, Kate, and I can’t have that as much as I want when I’m with him but… this has to be a two way street, and I know it’s different, because you’re actually attracted to your husband, but-”

    Kate puts her hand over Jennifer’s, and cuts her off. “I told you. Whatever you want. I’ll leave Chris.”

    “And after that? What do we do after we’ve left our husbands?”

    “I’m hoping that we can build a life together.”

    Jennifer sighs in relief. “Good. That’s what I want, too. But there’s so much stuff involved in that. You have Meg, and I’ve got Henry, and then we have to deal with everything at work, because there’s rules against two agents together on a team, and we have to figure where we’re going to live, and- and-”

    Jennifer smiles, shaking her head. “One step at a time. Let’s focus on the leaving the husbands part first, and then we can deal with the rest of it. Besides, Meg has always wanted a little sibling.”

    “I play jazz music loudly whenever I’m stressed at home.”

    “I can’t keep a bathroom clean to save my life.”

    “Henry frequently crawls into bed with me cause he’s scared of the monster in his closet.”

    “Meg’s turning into an angsty teen and she’s a pain to deal with.”

    “I love you.”

    “I love you, too.”

    They sit there grinning at each other, Jennifer holding onto Kate’s hand. Jennifer knows that no matter what comes, she wants Kate by her side.

    “Tell me about your dream house.” Kate breaks the silence.

    “I thought figuring out the living situation was further down the line.”

    “Doesn’t mean we can’t start dreaming.”

    Jennifer sighs, sitting forward and collecting her thoughts. “I’ve always loved open floor plans, so something with that. And practically-”

    “We’re not being practical. We’re dreaming.”

    “Non practically? I want a hot tub. I love hot tubs.”

    “I can get behind a hot tub.”

    “I also want an induction range. I cook a lot when I’m at home, and that’s always been my dream. What about you?”

    “I want chalkboard paint on the walls. I know it sounds so pinterest mommy, but I’ve always loved the idea of being able to just draw on my walls.”

    Jennifer nods. “Henry would love that. He’s such an artist.”

    “You really care about Henry, don’t you?”

    Jennifer loos down. “Sometimes I feel bad that he’s gonna get caught in the middle of this, and even before I met you, when I had some deep down inkling that it wasn’t gonna last with Will, I never wanted Henry to feel like a byproduct of us, or a mistake, or anything like that.” She looks up. “And he comes first. He always comes first. I’d move heaven and earth for him.”

    Kate nods. “That’s good.” She checks her watch. “Wow. It’s almost two. Eat the rest of your food. And I’m paying.”

    “No, you’re not.”

    “Yes, I am!”

    “No, you’re  _ not.” _

    Kate grins. “Look at us. Young and in love.”

    Jennifer smiles back. “Young and in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of all over the place but i don't care.


	5. Chapter 5

    He’s waiting up for her when she gets home.

    She knows she has to do it now. If she puts it off, she’ll never tell him that she wants to leave him because she’s fallen in love with her female co-worker, so it’s now or never. She plops her bags down by the front door, and sits across from him at the table. “I want a divorce.”

    Will’s mouth flops like a fish out of water.

    “But… why?”

    “Why? Because I’m not in love with you, Will. I’m just not, and I kept hoping that I would be someday, and I’ve spent so long trying to love you that it’s slowed the rest of my life down. So I want a divorce.”

    She hates how heartbroken he looks. He’s always been her best friend, ever since he first asked her out, and it really is terrible to her to see him like this. But she has to do this. It’s not fair to her, or Will, or Kate, to keep doing this. 

    Her phone chimes. She ignores it, but then it keeps chiming, and she sighs and pulls it out.

    “Really? You just told me you want a divorce, and now there’s something more important than- oh.”

    She looks up, and for the first time tonight, she’s at a loss for words.

    “There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

    She smiles weakly. “You always were a good detective.”

    He’s not emotional in the same way he was just a minute ago. He’s stony now, and she know’ she deserves it, but it hurts anyways. She reads the messages.

_ Got kicked out of the house. Crashing at a motel. I’ll get you the address in a few.  _

__ The address is right after that, and Jennifer knows she needs to go there, to be with Kate so they can console each other at the loss of what they’ve always known, even if it’s for the best. She looks up at Will.

    “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

    He’s still silent, and she heads for the door, grabbing her go bag as she leaves. She gets in her car, sets the gps to the motel, and has to sit there for a moment , convincing herself not to break down until she gets there. She drives in silence, not having the energy to turn the radio on, and when she pulls into the parking lot, she feels a sense of relief, just from knowing she’s about to see Kate.

    She finds Kate’s room, knocks on the door, and it’s immediately opened. They fall into each other, embracing as if it's been years, and Jennifer sobs. She cries for all the wasted years, and for everything she’s leaving behind, and she cries a little out of happiness, too, because now she can finally have Kate, really have her, love and cherish her in the way they couldn’t before. She can feel Kate crying too, but it’s silent, and in that moment, she knows that she’s somewhere she wouldn’t trade for the world.


	6. Chapter 6

    “You’re not wearing your wedding ring.”

    It’s the first thing Spencer says to her when she steps out of the elevator. Sometimes she hates working with profilers.

    “Me and Will are getting divorced. I’m filing the paperwork this afternoon.”

    “He cheated on you?”

    “And what makes you think that?”

    “Because in Virginia, there are two kinds of divorces- fault and no-fault. If this was a no fault divorce, you’d have to be separated for a year, and because you were wearing the ring yesterday and not today, and filing paperwork tonight, it’s not no-fault. The three grounds for fault divorce are desertation, abuse, and adultery, and because it’s been a day, you weren’t deserted. You don’t display anything that would constitute abuse, and I’ve met him, and he doesn’t display anything that would make me think he’s an abuser, and because there’s only one criteria left, adultery, and since most people never actually leave their partners for their lovers, it’s safe to assume that he’s the one having the affair, since you’re filing the paperwork.”

    “Yeah, well, don’t assume too much.”

    Spencer’s mouth falls open. “You had the affair?”

    “Yeah.” She’s done lying and hiding things. Might as well put it all in the open with Spencer.

    “Oh, hey, Kate.”

    Okay, she’s not going to put it all in the open with him.

    “JJ’s getting a divorce because she had an affair.”

    Kate’s a brilliant actor, seeming genuinely surprised to hear this. “Wow, really?”

    “What’s this about JJ having an affair?”

    It’s Morgan, looking genuinely concerned. 

    “She’s leaving Will.” Kate looks a little smug as she says it, and Jennifer knows it’s because she’s always been a little possessive. It’s gonna be a nightmare when everyone knows everything.

    “Would everyone stop spilling my business?”

    “Who’s spilling whose business?” Garcia’s arrived, and she’s got a nose for gossip.

    “I had an affair, and I’m leaving Will.”

    Penelope sighs, setting her bags down and hugging Jennifer. “Good.”

    “Good? What’s that supposed to mean?”

    “It means I never thought he was right for you. You always could do so much better, and it always felt weird between you two, like you never really did love him.”

    “How do you know all that?”

    “I don’t know. Maybe I should be the profiler, huh? Anyway, does this mean we get to meet new boy, or was he like a one time thing?”

    “Who said it was a he?”

    She surprises even herself by saying it. She wasn’t planning on coming out, but she has to at some point, and that point might as well be now. 

    The shock shows on everyone else’s face, and Jennifer just stands there, waiting for someone to react.

    No one does.

    “Well, that finally shut you all up.”

    “Team, meeting room.”

    It’s Hotch, and apparently they’ve got a case.

    The meeting room is weird, not bad-weird, just weird-weird. She keeps getting these little hurt side glances from Spencer, and Penelope seems to be rushing through the presentation. After it’s over, Hotch gives them a wheels up in forty and Jennifer get rushed outside the meeting room. 

    “Okay, I didn’t have the words to say anything before, but  _ what the hell???” _

__  “I’m not getting out of this, am I?” It’s at that moment that Spencer walks up.

    “Let me guess, you’re quizzing Jennifer on every single detail of her secret love life.”

    “Wonderful guess, Reid. You’re correct. Now shut up and let Jennifer tell the story of… I don’t know what the story is, but I guess that’s the fun.”

    Jennifer sighs. “What do you want to know?”

_ “Everything!  _ Did you mean what I think you meant by that? Did you really have an affair with a woman?”

    “Yeah, I did.”

    “Who??? Where did you meet her? How on earth did you have time for an affair? Rossi is three times divorced thanks to this job and you balanced two people at once??? For how long???”

    “Six months next week.”

    Spencer raises an eyebrow. “So this is a… lasting thing?”

    Jennifer tries to suppress a smile. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

    “When do we get to meet her?”

    Jennifer opens her mouth, unsure of what she’s going to say next, and is fortunately saved by Rossi.

     “Come on. We’ve got places to be.”

    Jennifer has never been more grateful to be rushed out the door. 


End file.
